At the crossroads

It has only been the 5th day since I got back but I'm missing home already. It's hard to describe in words the true state that I'm in at the moment that I often find myself staring on a piece of paper that has 101 questions. Just didn't know which to tick from the multiple questions that you can choose from. One leads to path A and the other, to path B. I have tried to comtemplate which option that would allow me to carry on without any regrets in the future. After spending days and hours pondering upon those options, I realized that I'm still standing on the crossroads, praying hard that I could hear an audible voice from God to just tell me what to do or that He would at least send someone down the road to give me instructions. I guess in many situations of my life, God didn't seemed to work in that way.

I finally got to understand how Pey-li must have felt when she was in this situation last year. I was helpless when she was in that struggle and I thought I knew everything about that. But no, not until I'm in it and realized that it is so much harder. However, I am beginning to ask myself why am I contemplating on the things that I have decided so long ago, the very thing that I was so sure of? Is it purely because of the 101 hurdles that I've got to face if I choose the unpredictable path A or is it because of the easy-way-out path B where I know I would have less to think about in getting myself comfortable?

The second path was being reconsidered after the past 2 and a half months of spending time back at home, with the company of people around me. Like today, when my parents left me at the hotel to carry on with their plans to great ocean road, I had to sorta change my current status to 'independent mode'. Not that i'm clingy to my parents or whatsoever but the overall concept is that it's such a different story altogether when you are here. Missing the presence and support of people back at home is undeniable. Something in which I know I could never find it over here, something that I've missed for the past 5 days. As I was walking down the lane of chapel street a few minutes ago, it brought back memories of the past 2 years I was staying there.

It was my spontateous housemates at no.42, the little kids, the indian uncle at the printing shop, the man down the lane, the homeless lady, (and the list goes on and on...haha) that has made the overall unforgettable story complete over here at chapel st.

I realized that as much as I enjoy the cool breeze and meeting new people each single day with their individual stories to tell, nothing compares to spending time with a good old friend for a cuppa tea back home.

'As I looked upon the night gloomy sky,
the canvas was empty with silence..
Hoping for a tint of light
but nothing appeared..
Heart broken,
empty handed,
arms in prayer,
I asked;
'Would I able to see it just one more time?'

A quiet whisper,
Oh, gentle comforter
He said;
'Slow in revealing,'
'Trust in heart'

Slowly,
Gently,
He called forth the moonlight
and sprinkled glittering dust of stars across the canvas.

He said;
May your heart be captivated,
May you never loose hope and sight,
Where there is an empty canvas,
I AM already in at work to paint you a better one..

- hweun 2006, 9.30 pm, 5th feb-